Everything Wrong with It
by TypoNumber5
Summary: [The world's biggest Mary Sue cliche!] Meet Perikan Shinju. She's smart, she's brave, she's beautiful, and I'm going to use her to make fun of every Mary Sue fic I've ever seen.
1. The New Girl: She's HOT!

**Everything Wrong with It**

_A Monstrosity by TypoNumber5_

A/N – I started this parody back in '04, so unless you've had me on your alerts since then, chances are this is your first time reading this story. I've been absent from the YGO section of FF-dot-net for quite sometime, so I'm not sure how "up-to-date" this fic is. The only major change I can think of is the fact that Yami Yugi's real name was not widely known/hadn't been revealed when this all began, so if you prefer "Atemu" then tough cookies.

All this is written in good humor, and I hope no one takes offence.

Disclaimer – Yu-Gi-Oh is property of Kazuki Takahashi and various other companies. This is merely a fanfiction by a fan for fans. Not for sale, rent, or auction.

**Chapter 1 - The New Girl... She's HOT!**

It was a rainy Tuesday morning. Domino High had just started, and Yugi Mutou sat with his friends at the back of class. For no reason whatsoever, Malik was there and all the yamis had their own bodies. Yami Malik included-- although who in their right minds would _want_ that psychopath marching around a school full of innocent people is beyond me.

Anyway, just as Yugi was about to suggest a game of Duel Monsters, Shadi appeared out of nowhere. "PHARAOH!" he bellowed in a very un-Shadi way.

Yami Yugi looked up from strangling Yami Bakura, who will be called Bakura from now on while his hikari is Ryou because I'm lazy. Anyway, Yami Yugi looked up from attempting murder and glared at Shadi with his beautiful crimson eyes that were actually purple.

"What do _you _want?" he demanded.

"I have come to warn you, Pharaoh," Shadi announced in a dramatic voice, "of a great evil the likes of which this world has never seen."

All present gasped in unison.

"What... what kind of evil?" Jounouchi gasped.

"I DON'T WANNA DIE!!" Honda cried and ran out of the room crying. Surprisingly, neither the rest of the class or teacher noticed.

"An **evil** evil." Shadi looked around ominously. "But do not fear. You will find help... a great help..." And with that, the turban clad man jumped out the window.

Bakura stood up rubbing his neck. "What was THAT about? "

Ryou looked at his yami. "I don't know. He was warning us about evil."

"Yes, but what KIND of evil?" Malik asked in all seriousness.

"An **evil **evil," his yami answered. The authoress reflects on the fact that she has just written this conversation.

Suddenly, there was a clap of thunder. All present jumped two and three fourths feet into the air. Jounouchi wet his pants.

Following the thunder, and ignoring the Laws of Physics, was a flash of lightening. The power went out for a few seconds. When it came back on, everyone looked to the front of the class to see the most beautiful girl anyone on the face of the earth had ever seen.

She had dark purple hair that glistened blue in the light and had lavender highlights. It hung loosely around her perfect face and cascaded down her back to her waist. The girl's eyes were the exact shade of lavender that her highlights were, and silver and gold flecks were scattered though her irises like a glitter lamp. She was wearing a skimpy pink halter-top that showed off her perfect stomach and low-rise black jeans with a diamond-studded belt. She didn't have to wear a uniform. Because I said so.

"Ah, you must be the new transfer student from Egypt," the teacher said.

"Yes," She answered in a voice like a bird's song. "I am Perikan Shinju."

"She's hot," said Malik.

"She's sexy," said Yami Malik.

"She's gorgeous," said Ryou.

"She's breathe-taking," said Yugi.

"She's pretty," said Jounouchi.

"She's angelic," said Bakura.

" She's my WIFE!" said Yami Yugi.

Anzu, who has been ignored thus far, huffed and stuck out her leg to trip Yami Yugi as he leapt from his desk and galloped to the front of the room. Unfortunately, Anzu is another female and therefore a threat to our precious romance between Perikan and random male characters. So instead of tripping, Yami kicked the dancer's foot out of the way and was not bothered.

"Oh, Amentet!" he cried, grabbing Perikan's hands. "How I've missed you!"

Perikan blinked at him. "I'm sorry, but… what?"

Yami Yugi's filled with tears. "You... you don't remember?" She shook her head, confused. Yami Yugi gazed into her perplexed eyes. _Maybe this isn't her..._ he thought. But how could it not be? No one else in all the world could be that beautiful... Except maybe another mary sue. But we won't go into that.

Anyway, Yami Yugi was filled with grief. How could his own wife not remember him? Blinking away his aforementioned tears, he slowly walked back to his seat and slumped into the chair. Normally, Yugi would find out what was wrong, but he was too entranced by the new girl to notice.

Meanwhile, Perikan was trying to decide where to sit. Finally she chose to sit down at the open desk that was conveniently placed in the middle of all the bishounen. It had, in fact, been Anzu's seat, but fangirls don't like Anzu so she had been moved over next to Honda.

The day went on, and the boys spent all their time goggling at Perikan. She was so... mesmerizing! Now it was the last class of the day, math, and none of them had bothered to even find out what homework was.

"...so, Mr. Ishtar, what is the square root of 4036.0609?"

Malik looked up abruptly, surprised at hearing his name. "Huh?"

The teacher glared at him. "Have you been paying attention, Mr. Ishtar?"

"Uh, yeah," Malik lied. "The answer is, um..."

"Sixty three and fifty three hundredths," a voice from beside him whispered.

Malik turned to see who had spoken. It was none other than our beloved Pelican Pearl—I mean Perikan Shinju. Malik blinked at her. Then he turned to the teacher and said, "Sixty three and fifty three hundredths!"

The teacher, oblivious to the obvious fact that the new student had given him the answer, scowled at Malik. "Correct." He stomped off.

Malik turned back to Perikan. "Thanks."

"It was nothing," she replied with a smile. Malik felt his heart flutter. Like a butterfly. A blue one… with golden spots and a curly proboscis.

Just then, the bell rang. Everyone filed out, except Yami Yugi. He was still upset and was staring dejectedly at his desk. Yugi simply followed the new girl, forgetting about his best friend. Spirit. Thing.

Perikan flipped her hair over her shoulder and marched out of school. When she got outside, she smiled and stretched. Then she began walking home.

Of course, she knew Yugi was following her. She had a Secret she couldn't tell anybody, and because of this Secret she could tell if people were following her. In any case, she decided to lose Yugi.

She sped up her pace and began turning random corners. She jaywalked across streets and cut through yards. Still Yugi followed her. So she decided to do something dangerous...

She ran across the road without looking both ways!

Yugi gasped as the perfect girl ran... just as a huge limo sped into view. Perikan saw the limo and froze. The limo hit her at 43.2 miles per hour!

Perikan rolled over on the street, her eyes a pair of cartoonish Xs. Yugi tried to run out from the bush to save her, but his foot was caught. He gave a strangled yell and looked over toward the limo. Out of it came none other than Seto Kaiba. Yugi frowned.

The CEO walked over to the girl. How could his driver be so stupid as to hit a person wearing such a bright shirt?! _Although, it does look really good on her,_ he thought as he peered down at her. She was that new girl... He hadn't realized how pretty she was.

"Kaiba-sama!" The driver ran out. "I am so sorry! She just ran in front of the--"

"You're fired," Kaiba said, standing up with Perikan in his arms. He gently put her in the limo and snatched the driver's nifty hat from his head. "What are you still doing here?" He asked.

"Uhh..." The driver appeared to be in shock.

Kaiba shook his head and put the driver's cap on. Getting into the front seat of the limo, he drove off into the sunset with Perikan laid out dramatically in the backseat...


	2. The Dream: It's WEIRD!

**Everything Wrong with It**

A Monstrosity by TypoNumber5 

A/N – Small edits as of 2/20/07.

**Chapter 2 - The Dream... It's WEIRD!**

_Perikan ran through the forest. Something was chasing her... something powerful... something... angry. She was afraid. Very afraid._

_"Somebody, please, help me!" she cried, stumbling over a root._

_Then she came upon a cliff. A conveniently placed cliff. She stared down at the sea below. She had no choice now. She had to fight. Whirling around, she readied herself to face her pursuer. It rumbled into view. Perikan gasped. What she was about to face..._

_Something so horrible..._

_It was--_

**"'NII-SAMAAAA! "**

Perikan sat bolt upright in bed. She was sitting in the middle of the biggest waterbed she had ever seen in the biggest room she'd ever seen. The sheets were as white as, um... the white part of a Diet Dr. Pepper can. The golden light streamed in through the window that just so happened to be facing west. Even through the sun rises in the east. I can ignore the Laws of Physics because they suck. Anyway. The door to the room was open, and standing in it was a young boy with thick black hair.

"You're not 'Nii-sama," he stated, cocking his head.

Perikan smiled in her almighty, extremely sexy way. "No... no, I'm not. Who are you?"

"I'm Mokuba."

"Well, Mokuba, could you tell me where I am?"

"You're at the Kaiba Mansion."

Perikan's 20/20 vision eyes widened. "W-what...?"

Mokuba grinned at her. Grabbing her arm, he dragged her out of the bed. "C'mon! Help me find 'Nii-sama!"

Mokuba lead her through the mansion. It was huge! A normal person could get lost, but because of her Secret, Perikan was physically incapable of getting lost. Still, it was fun to let Mokuba show her around. At last they found Seto in the kitchen, making tea.

"Ah, you're up," he said, handing her a cup. He was wearing a flowery apron because the authoress likes to make fun of all the flowery apron clad macho guys at the local ice cream parlor. "You were very lucky. It's not every day you get hit by a speeding limo and walk away without a scratch."

Perikan smiled mysteriously. Of course she had gotten away unharmed... she had the Secret to help her.

Seto then invited her to have tea with him in the day room. Perikan accepted, and they had a grand time chatting about quantum physics and nanotechnology.

However, they were being watched.

"What did I tell you?" Anzu, the not nearly as hot as Perikan, hissed as she crouched in the bushes outside. "All the guys are gaga for her."

"Yes," Isis, the also not nearly as hot as Perikan, replied. "Malik won't stop ranting about how great she is." The Egyptian woman held up a cell phone. A faint "Perikan Shinju!" was heard from it.

Shizuka, the way uglier than Perikan because she's a threat to Perikan's romance with Seto even though he's only even noticed her ONCE, sweat dropped and held up her own cell phone. "Onii-chan called me as soon as he got home from school." "Peri-chan!" was heard from her cell phone.

"Something's wrong," Mai, the almost as hot as Perikan, commented as she glanced at Seto and Perikan through the window. "I can understand Jounouchi or Malik falling head over heels for her, but Kaiba?"

"Yeah," Shizuka agreed. "It's almost as though there's an outside force, like a… a demented teenager who likes to alphabetize their CDs and use incorrect third-person possessive pronouns controlling his actions or something."

"...You really need to cut back on the Twilight Zone, Shizuka-chan."

-

The next day Perikan did not sit in her usual seat. Well, the seat she had sat in the previous day. It can't be "usual" if you've only done it once. Today she sat next to Seto Kaiba.

Malik was crushed. Jounouchi was upset. Ryou was disappointed. Bakura was heartbroken. Yugi was dismayed. Yami Yugi was downcast. Yami Malik was morose. Anzu was relieved. She could have her seat back.

As the day went on, stuff happened. Very odd stuff. I have yet to come up with what kind of stuff, but yeah. There was stuff going on. No, I'm not a Hilary Duff fan.

Anyway, by lunch everyone was still upset about Perikan sitting somewhere else. Except Kaiba. He even had to ask her for answers on his math worksheet. Perikan is very good at math, you know.

So, at lunch, there was a bloody war over who could sit with Perikan. All the named male characters won just because. However, Ryou was mortally wounded.

"PAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIN! " He cried has he fell to the dirty cafeteria floor. Bakura gasped and grasped his lighter half's hands.

"No, Ryou!" Salty tears ran down the tomb robber's cheeks. "Oh, Ryou! Don't go! I'm sorry I beat all those times... I-I love you!" He managed to choke out, ignoring the fact that he didn't have a body until this fanfic started and was therefore unable to abuse Ryou unless he wanted to hurt himself.

Perikan jumped over the table. If any normal girl had tried this, their skirt would have flown up revealing their Little Mermaid panties. However, Perikan is not a normal girl so not only does she wear Cool Underwear, but her very fashionable miniskirt magically stayed in place. Kneeling over Ryou, she asked, "Where does it hurt?"

Ryou groaned and pointed to his chest. Ryou fangirl readers moved to the edge of their seat as they realized this was a lame excuse for the writer to have Ryou without a shirt.

Perikan ripped open the button up shirt. Blood gushed over her perfect hands, and she thought to her self how lucky it was the she had put on blood-resistant nail polish that morning. "This looks like a straw inflicted wound!" she yelled. "I'll need a two by three piece of clean cloth and some disinfectant!"

More readers moved to the edge of their seats, spotting another lame accuse for a bishounen to take their shirt off.

Bakura dramatically ripped his shirt off and handed it to her. He also just so happened to have some disinfectant on him, and he handed that over too. Perikan bandaged Ryou, and the British boy who is actually Japanese stood up.

"Great Scott," he muttered, amazed. "I'm all better now!" And with that Bakura hugged him tightly. Suddenly, they both realized they were actually gay! So, they went skipping off into the sunset, even though it was noon. But since everyone loves Perikan Shinju (whether they're homosexual or not), the Bakuras then decided to take pictures of her and post them on the Internet... as a couple!

Anzu, who had been watching all this from the back of the cafeteria, turned to her friend. Who just so happened to be me, TypoNumber5. Because what's a Mary Sue fic with some bad and senseless self-insertion? "Why did Ryou and Bakura suddenly decide they loved each other?"

TypoNumber5, the beautiful, butt-kicking writer, shrugged. "Shounen-ai sells better than hetero."

Now, because I'm lazy, we're going to skip all the hopeless attempts at flirting with Perikan and go to the end of the day. Yami Yugi was quietly putting his History book in his backpack when he felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned around to see none other than Perikan!

"Yami Yugi?" she said softly. "There's something a need to tell you. Come." She took his hand and dragged him into the girls' bathroom. Yami Yugi did not object due to the fact that Perikan's window-of-the-soul eyes distracted him. They were that cool.

Just she was pushing him to the restroom, Seto came around the corner. Completely misinterpreting the scene, he thought the Yami Yugi was pulling Perikan into the room. Growling, Seto marched off to plot revenge against the former pharaoh instead of going into the bathroom to see what was going on. After all, he WAS a guy.

Meanwhile, Perikan was showing Yami Yugi something he would never forget.

Stop thinking that, you pervs.


	3. The New Item: It's SPIFFY!

**Everything Wrong with It**

A Monstrosity by TypoNumber5 

A/N – Did you know I had to edit the song four times on four separate occasions before the rhyme scheme was consistent? DX

**Chapter 3 - The New Item… It's SPIFFY!**

Perikan closed the door behind her, gazing into Yami Yugi's eyes as she turned around. They were a deep red color (well, only in the first season where Kaiba has blindingly green hair, but words like "crimson" and "ruby" and "scarlet" sound better) and had an odd look of confusion in them. He was soooooo hot...

_No! Peri, he's not yours,_ she mentally told herself. She had Kaiba. He was TALL, and that's all that really mattered.

Deciding now was as good as ever, Perikan gently opened her purse and began digging through it. Yami Yugi watched in silence. Finally, the girl pulled out a small gold ring with the Eye of Horus embedded on the top. Yami Yugi gasped.

"Another one...?"

Perikan nodded solemnly. "Yes. This is... the OTHER Sennen Ring!"

The former pharaoh's eyes widen. "I thought it was just a legend," he breathed. Fixing his oh-so-lovely eyes on it, he stared at the Supreme Shinyness. "What does it do?"

Perikan's lavender eyes brightened. "I'm glad you asked!" Whipping out a microphone from her purse, she pressed the 'play' button on a tape player conveniently placed in the middle of the sink. A happy tune erupted from the machine and Perikan burst into a perfectly on key song.

_"OOOOOOOH!_

_My thousand-year item can do most anything,_

_It can read minds, levitate, and kill any fool,_

_It can translate things into French and German,_

_See the future and look all around cool._

_It can do whatever I want it too plus more,_

_And it makes jewelry obsessed tomb robbers drool._

_It can stop kids from vomiting on roller coaster rides,_

_Act as a flashlight and keep flies away from your mule._

_OOOOOOOH!_

_My thousand-year item is the perfect weapon_

_It magically transforms into a dagger,_

_And can fly at enemies' eyes and poke them out!_

_My item fights on its own with the force of a Redwall badger,_

_And there's nothing you sissies can do about it._

_It lightens the load of my shopping passion, and that of the stone block dragger._

_(Because that's how the pyramids were built-- I'm so smart...)_

_And it will bring justice crashing down on the arrogant bragger!_

_OOOOOOOH!_

_You see, my thousand-year item makes me perfect._

_With it I can cook, sing, write, act, dance, and draw with my toes,_

_(Here's proof that I'm smart-- I told ya I was!)_

_I always make A's and I know how to tie perfect bows._

_With my superior sneaking, spying, magic, and karate I'll always beat my foes,_

_I'll just keep getting better as my goddesslike hair grows!_

_Because the OTHER Sennen Ring is merely the best._

_By the way, did I mention it can talk to crows?_

_OOOOOOOH!"_

Yami Yugi's mouth had hit the floor somewhere around the first O. How had she made such stupid lyrics sound so good?

The purple-haired one beamed at him. "I call it 'My Thousand-Year Item'!" He nodded dumbly. "Anyway, because I'm a friggin' cliché, my Sennen Item contains the spirit of an Ancient Egyptian woman. She was a healer, a soothsayer, a beauty queen-- yes, Yami Yugi, they had beauty pageants back then, you just didn't know about them-- a tomb robber for a brief amount of time, aaaaaaaaaaaaand" --she pressed the play button again; a bad recording of a drum roll played-- "your wife!"

"I _KNEW_ IT!"

Perikan smiled at the Game King. "Would you like to see your wife, My Pharaoh?"

He nodded excitedly, somehow reminding her of Mokuba. "Yes!"

The OTHER Ring glowed brightly. A puff of pink clouds surrounded the girl, and a shadowy figure appeared beside her. All at once, the glow from the Supreme Shinyness died down, and the smoke faded away.

Yami Yugi gasped as, for the first time in either 3,000 or 5,000 years - no one seems to know which one, he found himself standing before his beloved wife. "Amentet..." he breathed.

She looked exactly like her reincarnation, except her hair was two inches shorter and deep blue with sea-green highlights. And her eyes were narrower and silver with green and blue flecks the color of her hair. And she was a bit shorter, making her Yami Yugi's height. And she was wearing an Egyptian looking white dress that floated about her in the nonexistent wind that seems to plague the male characters. Even though Egyptian queens generally wore near-transparent dresses, and even if she wasn't wearing one of those, the dress would most likely be very tight and unable to float. The former would be disturbing, and the latter would be Not Cool.

It was really a wonder that the pharaoh had been able to make a connection between the two.

"Oh, Atemu!" the woman cried as she threw herself into his arms. "I missed you so!"

"Amentet..."

"Atemu?" her silver eyes met his. "Our names sound so good together."

A small tear ran down Yami Yugi's cheek. "I know."

----------

Meanwhile, back at the Kaiba Mansion, Seto was planning his revenge.

"How DARE that spikey-haired midget of a duelist steal my Perikan," he muttered as he shuffled through blue prints of Emergency Plots of Vengeance. "'Valiant King of Egypt' my ass..." He held up a particularly azure blue print. "Ah ha!"

"'Nii-sama?" Mokuba strolled into the room with a piece of paper in his hand. "I made a 147 on my math test!"

"Not now," Seto replied, not bothering to face him. "I must laugh evilly for the next ten minutes or so."

"Huh?"

Seto threw back his head and balled his hands into fists. Bending his elbows and spreading his arms, he achieved the perfect Maniacal Laughter Pose. A not-quite-sane smirk drew itself upon his face.

"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! "

This continued for some time.

----------

Isis sighed. Her brother's ramblings were really getting annoying.

"...and then she smiled at me! _At me!_" He beamed at Rishid, the cauliflower nestled between his chopsticks momentarily forgotten.

The tattooed man remained impassive as always, slowly eating his dinner and nodding in agreement. Yami Malik snorted as he stabbed his meat with a fork.

"That's not as great as the time when she laughed at _my_ joke," he proclaimed. Malik glared at him.

"She was laughing because you sounded like an idiot, you imbecile."

Yami Malik opened his mouth to reply (probably with something fowl enough to force me to raise the rating of this fic), but Isis, sensing danger, cut him off.

"It's so nice for you to know a girl you can actually get along with!" she flashed a pained smile at them. "You were so hostile towards Anzu, what with constantly possessing her and attempting to murder her crush, and don't get me started on Mai..." she trailed off, hoping this would switch the subject to Battle City; preferably leading to an argument between the Maliks about certain actions toward Rishid. Anything was better than this. Of course, what she WASN'T expecting was...

"Ah yes, she reminds me of that girl you two were always sneaking off to play with," said Rishid.

"What?" Isis dropped her eating utensils. "What girl?" The Maliks were oddly quiet.

"There was a girl," Rishid leaned back in his seat contemplatively, "and I forget her name, so don't ask. Malik-sama snuck outside one day when he was seven. He ran into her at the village... she was visiting from Japan; her father was a renowned archeologist. She somehow found out about Yami Malik, and used a magic ring her father had given her to create a body for him temporarily. Malik-sama kept sneaking out to see her, and he Yami Malik made good friends with her. Then one day she had to leave; they sat together at their favorite play spot and wept for hours. And Yami Malik went insane from grief, and--"

"That's enough, Rishid," Malik managed to pipe up, but it was too late. Isis was towering over them, eyes gleaming red; her wrath on full force.

"YOU--SNUCK--OUT--MALIK?" Her hand fitted itself around Yami Malik's stake knife. "YOU--RISKED--FATHER'S--PUNISHMENT--FOR--SOME--STUPID--GIRL--AND--THEN--TOLD--ME--YOU--HAD--NEVER--BEEN--OUT? YOU--MADE--ME--TRICK--FATHER--AND--ULTIMATELY--CAUSED--HIS--DEATH--FOR--SOMETHING--YOU--HAD--ALREADY--SEEN?? **YOU--LIED--TO--ME--MALIK???**"

The boy in question shrunk in the light of the flames shooting from her eyes. Cowering in his chair, he squeaked out what can only be assumed was a "sorry." Yami Malik sat back, amused. Isis never blamed the psychopath. Rishid watched silently from the sidelines.

"I'm sorry, 'Nee-san, I really am!" Malik yelped his sister grabbed him by the hair and forcefully dragged him from the table. "I don't even remember her name or what she looks like!"

"I think that makes it worse," Yami Malik answered with false innocence, always ready to pour gasoline over the fire.

"He's right, it does." The knife was replaced by a pair of scissors in the hand that wasn't buried in her sibling's golden locks. "You didn't even CARE about what you did enough to remember any of it!" The scissors drew closer...

"**NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! **"


	4. The Haircut: It's KAWAII!

**Everything Wrong with It**  
By TypoNumber5  
**Chapter 4 – The Haircut… It's KAWAII!**

I'm back with yet another chapter written at four in morning! Yay! So… I'm sorry I took so long to update. Yeah. I really don't have anything else to say, other than the fact that there's something about this chapter that just seems… un-mary sue-ish. What could that be? (ponders)

…

Ah, I know! The time of their math class remains constant between this chapter and the first. Oh well.

Disclaimer: I do not own Yuugiou, but Perikan Shinju is my original character. Yes, I am ashamed of myself.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Kawaii desu ne!" A random girl with pigtails squealed.

"Mwah?" her sleep deprived friend asked.

"Malik-kun has a new hair cut. Isn't it adorable?" Pigtails beamed in the direction of the Egyptian, who was currently kicking a nerdy looking boy curled up on the floor. Insomniac blinked groggily at the Grave Keeper.

"I think I liked it better long," she stated before grabbing her friend's protruding appendage of hair and stomping of to class.

"Malik, what are you doing?" Ryou yelled, running over to the blonde as he forcefully took the nerd's jacket.

"He was the first person I saw in my size," Malik replied bluntly, putting on the jacket and pulling the hood over his head.

Ryou stared. "Did you… get a hair cut?"

Malik glared at him. "Not a word to the Tomb Robber or the Pharaoh, you got it?"

"Um…"

"Personally," the jacketless boy on the floor piped up, clutching his side, "I don't think it's that bad."

Malik kicked him again.

---

Yami Malik was a very happy camper. He had been forced to break into the school, pitch a tent in the middle of his classroom, and sleep there over night due to his hikari's tendency to disembowel people who laughed to him too much, but this mattered naught. He had something he could use to make fun of his hikari until said hikari's hair grew out again, and that was going to be a long time. The yami saw himself spending quite a few more mirthful nights at the school.

Lighting a desk on fire, Yami Malik began to prepare his breakfast of bacon and eggs. Whistling to himself, he pulled a frying pan and various utensils and food items out of his backpack. He could have his meal done and scarfed down by the time the teacher arrived.

Suddenly, the door creaked open, startling the chef and causing him to jump in surprise. Bacon grease splashed onto his cargos.

"#©˙√˚≈&)œ®!!!! £∞§√#!!!!!!!" He screamed, franticly attempting to sop up the burning grease with his science homework.

"Are you all right?" came a concerned, bell like voice from the entryway. Yami Malik looked up, momentarily forgetting the intense pain in his thigh, and saw the ever-beautiful Perikan standing there, a microscope in her hand for no reason whatsoever.

And now we go into a random description of what she was wearing:

A midnight blue, off-the-shoulder blouse adorned her torso, coming neatly coming to a stop just above her sapphire-incrusted belt. Sleek and stylish black dress pants came to a slight flare around her platform black leather boots. Her hair was pulled back a perfect braid with a few purple wisps faming her face. A pair of crescent-moon glasses rested on her nose. Today she was going for the calm and sophisticated look.

Yami Malik ogled.

"Oh, yes, I'm fine," he stammered, dropping his breakfast. She smiled sweetly at him and pulled a pop-tart out of nowhere.

"Here, this is much more simple to prepare," she said, striding over to him. He took the pop-tart and took a timid bite. His eyes widened at the iced pastry hit his taste buds; this was GOOD! He made a mental note to threaten Isis to buy it. That stupid compass thingy he had to by for math would make a good intimidation device.

The first bell rang as he finished the frosted meal, and Bakura strode in with a smirk on his face.

"Yami Malik, where's your hikari?" he asked.

The other yami shrugged. "I haven't seen him since he chased me out of the house with an orange juicer last night."

"Excuse me," said Perikan, "but I believe he's currently on his way to class."

Bakura raised an eye brow. "And how do you know tha--"

Malik took this moment to burst through the door, closely followed by Ryou and a group of noisy girls.

"Oh, come on, let me brush it!" one cried.

"Why did you cut it???" another sobbed.

"It's so cute!"

"WHYYYYY????"

"You should have cut it a long time ago, Malik-kun."

"I hate you know, you know. HATE!"

"Will you just SHUT UP?!!" The Gave Keeper snapped. Grabbing a piece of chalk, he lunged at the nearest fangirl. She squeaked, barely managing to dodge, and bolted out of the classroom along with the rest, Malik on their heels. Ryou, who had scooted off to the side when he noticed Malik's eye twitching, breathed a sigh of relief.

"Ryou!" Bakura exclaimed, skipping over to him in a very OOC way. "I see you're looking lovely this morning."

Ryou giggled. "I look no different then I did five minutes ago, Yami."

Perikan smiled, and Yami Malik pretended to vomit into a trashcan. Bakura glared at him.

"So," the Tomb Robber said once Yami Malik had stopped making disturbing noises. "I see the rumors are true. Tell me, Yami Malik, why did your hikari decide to cut his hair?"

"Oh, he cut his hair?" Perikan interjected. "I couldn't tell under that hood."

Yami Malik, ignoring the girl's momentary lapse of stupidity, nodded. "Isis chopped it off in a rage." Bakura burst into a fit of laughter just as Yami Yugi, Yugi, and Jounouchi entered the room.

"What the hell?" Yami Yugi asked, pointing behind the assembled group.

It was at this point they realized the fire from Yami Malik's cooking had spread to the surrounding desks.

"Well, damn," Yami Malik muttered. They quickly evacuated the classroom.

They stood outside the burning room awkwardly until Malik, Anzu, and Honda joined them. After explaining the situation, Malik began to snicker violently, Honda ran away screaming again, and Anzu rolled her eyes. The nine of them then set off to the principal's office to inform the staff of the horrible kaleidoscope accident that had occurred.

The authoress has pointedly ignored the fact that there are other people in Yugi-tachi's class.

----

Seto smirked as he issued the final instructions of his Vengeful Plot. His faithful bodyguard nodded and marched away to lay the trap for his employer's greatest rival.

"'Nii-sama," Mokuba said, pulling on his brother's trench coat, "we really have to get to school now. And you need to change into your uniform."

"Bah, humbug," Seto spat. "Get the maid to take you to school today, Mokuba. I have plans to set into action." Mokuba rolled his eyes.

"'Nii-sama, last time you had plans to set into action you snuck out of a business meeting with Bill Gates to get ice cream."

"…That is not the point…"

----

"And so, you see Mr. Principal, after the koala threatened us with a syringe, we had no choice but to light that desk on fire," Jounouchi concluded. The principal sighed and straighten some papers on his desk.

"I'm sorry, Jounouchi," he said, "but an evil pen with socks and smoldering marshmallows just aren't an excuse for arson."

"It was a USED syringe!" Perikan cried. The man's eyes widened.

"Well, that changes EVERYTHING." He stood and walked to the door. "Follow me; we can have class in the cafeteria. I will inform your teachers." The students nodded in unison and headed for the place where they ate lunch five days a week while the principal went to find various teachers.

"Good thinking," Anzu whispered to Perikan, "but I thought we were going to use a radio-active kaleidoscope with scissors as an excuse."

Perikan smiled benignantly and chuckled softly. "Oh, Anzu, she chided, "It was your idea. And you're stupid."

And before Anzu could reply, Perikan turned to Yugi and began whining about not having seen Seto in fourteen hours, 12 minutes, and twenty-six seconds.

Class in the cafeteria was an interesting experience, to say the least. The science teacher kept writing things out in ketchup due to lack of a board, and their social studies teacher used bananas with sharpie faces to represent historical figures. The English teacher translated "Eat Healthy!" posters and lunch menus. Then math rolled around, and the teacher arrived with a mission of revenge upon Malik.

"Mr. Ishtar!" he snapped as soon as he saw him. "Take that atrocious hood of your head this instant."

Malik scowled. "No." The teacher loomed over him.

"Or would you like me to call your sister?"

Malik's scowl intensified, but he complied and slowly lifted the hood. It dramatically fell away to reveal his now shorter tresses.

Yami Malik snickered. Bakura laughed hysterically. Ryou sweat dropped. Yami Yugi stared. Yugi blinked. Jounouchi gawked. Anzu gasped. Perikan leaped to her feet.

"MALI-CHAN??" She screeched. Yami Malik stopped laughing abruptly and Malik's mouth feel open.

"Pe-chan?" the Ishtars chorused.

"Miss Shinju, please sit down," their educator said in a monotone.

"Please, Mr. Watanabe," Perikan said hastily, "could you please disappear down a plot hole for just a moment?"

Mr. Watanabe opened his mouth to answer, but Jounouchi, desperate to escape algebra, forcefully shoved him down a conveniently placed plot hole.

"Thank you," Perikan mouthed at him as she turned to face the Egyptians.

"Mali-chan… Yami Mali-chan…" She whispered. "It's been so long…" The two nodded solemnly. "I-I only recognized you, Mali-chan, because of your hair cut." Malik smiled sheepishly and ran a tanned hand through his golden locks.

"Your hair was shorter too, Pe-chan," Yami Malik observed. "You look so different with it long."

As the final bell rang, they fell into each other's arms, tears of joy streaming down their faces. Bakura huffed.

"C'mon, Ryou," he said, picking up his books. "Let's go; I hate this sentimental stuff." The both left the cafeteria, soon followed by the rest of the male characters not crying their eyes out. Anzu remained seated, watching the sobbing trio with a puzzled expression on her face.

"I don't get it," she said to TypoNumber5, who had mysteriously reappeared due to lack of characters for Anzu to randomly point things out to. "Didn't Malik always have his hair to his shoulders? And isn't the fact that their hair is different lengths a stupid reason not to recognize each other? She has purple hair for cryin' out loud! And wasn't Yami Malik's hair the same? And what's with the cheesy nicknames? And WHY did that class last less than three minutes?"

The authoress slowly turned her head to face Anzu, blinked, and said, "Can I have seventy five cents for a soda?"


	5. The Revenge: It's VINDICTIVE!

**Everything Wrong with It**  
_By TypoNumber5_

A/N – Well, believe it or not, this is a pretty on-time chapter for me. And it's longer than usual, too… be happy! BE HAPPY, DARN YOU!

I think that Amentet, Perikan's yami, is going to represent what happens when Mary Sue writers try to make their character seem like a real person… and fail miserably. (This is a good time to address my philosophy on OCs – someone mentioned feeling theirs were slightly insulted. I think it can be done, I really do, but most of the time OCs get dubbed Mary Sues, not because they're perfect, but because they hog the spotlight and things work out for them too easily.)

If I made a mistake in my Spanish… it was on purpose to illustrate the lack off research on many writer's behalf. Nyeeesss, that's it… –shifty eyes-

_Disclaimer: Yuugiou belongs to Kazuki Takahashi; Perikan and Amentet are fragments of my demented imagination. A very special thanks to Sacred Immortal; you'll see why…_

**Chapter 5, The Revenge… It's Vindictive! **

The authoress will now take a moment to review some plot holes and things that don't make any sense in this fic that have not be bluntly pointed out thus far:

A) Yami Malik did not exist when Malik was seven, when they met Perikan.

B) Given the fact that this takes place after Yami Yugi got all his memories back, none of the yamis should exist at ALL.

3) Having a tape player in the sink is a safety hazard.

D) Other various things the authoress has lost track of.

And now, the story.

Perikan linked arms with her long-lost friends, Malik on her right and Yami Malik on her left, and joyfully skipped out of the cafeteria with them. They frolicked all the way out of Domino High and onto the streets. There, Perikan paused and asked:

"Do you want to come to my house with me? I'm living with my cousin right now, and I'm sure he won't mind."

Malik and his yami exchanged grins and quickly agreed.

Suddenly, a cheesy techno song began playing in the background. The trio began bobbing their heads and doing snazzy dance steps in perfect unison as they paraded down the street, side by side. Students leaving school stopped and stared, though whether it was because the scene was seriously groovy yo or because it was just weird and totally out of character is undecided.

As the electronic, über spiffy sound waves washed over Yami Malik, he felt the uncontrollable urge to sing along to it. In Spanish.

"_Da da da bee dum dee da  
Me gusta mi pez, da da dee  
Le gusta nadar, ba ba bee  
_

_Da da da bee dum dee da  
Me gusta mi pájaro, da da dee  
Le gusta cantar, ba ba bee_

_Da da da bee dum dee da_

_Pero tambieeeeeeeeeen…_

_Da da da bee dum dee da  
Da da da bee dum dee da  
Da da da bee dum dee da_

_Me encanta yo!_

_Da da da bee dum dee da  
Da da da bee dum dee da  
Da da da bee dum dee da"_

He finished his song off by detaching himself from Perikan, throwing himself on the concrete sidewalk, and break dancing. Malik stared down at him in shock, and Perikan clapped cheerfully. Pedestrians who were watching began to walk away very quickly. Once the blonde was done getting down with his bad self, he stood up, brushed his shoulders off, and the group continued on their way.

A few blocks later, Perikan took a sharp turn down a MENACING and DARK Alleyway that Gave One an Impression of Apocalyptic DOOM.

"Pe-chan," Malik exclaimed. "What are you doing?"

"Taking a short cut," she answered, stopping a quarter of a way through and staring blanking back at him.

"But… but…" Malik protested, "It's a MENACING and DARK alleyway."

"It gives one an impression of apocalyptic DOOM," Yami Malik agreed, nodding vigorously.

Perikan rolled her eyes and put her hands on her hips. "Now see here," she said. "This is _Japan_. We have a very low crime rate! It's not like in America were there are muggers around every corn—"

A ninja leaped from the top of a building, grabbed her, and flew off with use of his Mad Shinobi Skillz.

There was an uncomfortable silence as both Maliks stood there, gapping at the spot where their childhood friend had stood just some few moments before. The wind blew a newspaper past them, and a full six seconds passed before the two managed to comprehend what had just happened.

"A **ninja**!" Yami Malik bellowed, stomping his foot down furiously upon the newspaper. "What the HELL is a NINJA doing in Domino?"

Good question.

* * *

Yami Yugi was walking home with his air of bishonenness that attracted fangirls. Not his constantly grunting and snarling English way, but with his demeanor of I'm-too-sexy-for-my-cards-but-I'll-duel-you-anyway he seemed to lose at various points during parts of the original, unedited anime that differed from the manga. How is this relative the to the horror and humiliation he was about to go through? I have no idea.

Yugi was not with him for unspecified reasons of confidentiality.

Abruptly, an arrow whizzed by his left ear and wedged itself in the telephone pole he had just passed. Yami Yugi froze, shaken by the death he had just so narrowly avoided. Slowly, he turned to examine the weapon aimed at his life. It was a very nifty arrow, for it was lime green with pink poke-a-dots, and the feather at the end was baby blue and extra fuzzy. Coiled around the niftiness was a yellowing and beat-up looking piece of paper, which the pharaoh removed. Flowery and overly embossed writing covered it, relaying a heart-stopping message:

_My dear victim of my employer's vengeful plot of vengefulness,_

_I, the great Kaze-sama, have captured the object of your affections, Perikan Shinju, with my Mad Shinobi Skillz. If you wish to rescue this fine specimen of lass, please meet me no later than midnight at the train station. If you do not, I will tie poor Perikan to the tracks in a very clichéd western fashion._

_Wishing my best regards,_

_Kaze Noneko_

Yami Yugi gasped, his main character induced urge to save random kidnapped people setting in. Whipping off his jacket, he magically transformed it into a billowing cape, which he draped gallantly over his shoulders. That nonexistent wind picked up again, blowing the cloth backwards. The King of Games smirked as he marched down the sidewalk purposefully: Time to make up another bizarre and slightly biased game to utterly defeat some in.

* * *

Kaiba knocked, annoyed, on the gray apartment door for the third time. An equally irritated voice yelled, "Hold your damn horses!" from the other side. Kaiba sneered at the crashing noises that followed this heartfelt statement. The door was jerked open a few moments later to reveal a snarling Bakura.

The CEO raised an eyebrow at the white haired man before him. The tomb robber's head bore a two foot-high, puffy white chief's hat, and his lanky body was clad in a frilly, pink checkered apron carrying the words "KISS ME AND I'LL COOK" in bright red and surrounded by miniscule hearts. The hand resting nonchalantly on the thief's hip was covered in a moose oven mitt.

"Dare I ask…?" Kaiba queried.

"No," Bakura replied, spitting flames with his words. "What do you want, Priest?"

Kaiba repressed a smirk. "There was an incident." The other rolled his eyes.

"Oh wow, an _incident_. Thank you so much for your informative message, I think I'll just go dancing around town, spreading word of this wondrous, marvelous _incident._" He started to close the door, but Kaiba already had is foot in the way.

"It involves Perikan and Yami Yugi," he stated grimly. The rage in Bakura's face disappeared momentarily as his blinked in surprise. Kaiba hurriedly explained the situation, and by the end of the horrid tale, Bakura was fuming.

"That bastard," he seethed through gritted teeth; the antlers on his moose mitt jiggled as he clenched his hand into a fist. "Alright," he said, yanking the apron off. "I'll help. RYOU!" he shouted over his shoulder as he relieved himself of the oven mitt and hat. "You'll have to finish the muffins without me; I have to help the Priest torture the pharaoh!"

"Okay," Ryou's high voice answered from the kitchen. "But don't go burning down anymore fire stations!"

* * *

"I just don't get it," Malik muttered. "Why?" Yami Malik shrugged, sipping the frappichino he had bought at the Starbucks they were standing in front of as his hikari ogled at the one across the street.

"Hey, isn't that Bakura?" Yami Malik pointed at the bakery neighboring Across-the-Street-Starbucks. Sure enough, it was. The tomb robber's face and upper body was hidden behind a stack of pies, but no one else in Japan had a billowing black trench coat like that.

They watched as the tomb robber dumped his load into a back of a U-Haul. Dusting his hands off, he glanced up and noticed the duo across the way. He waved merrily at them (which was a very strange site indeed), and gestured for them to come and join him. Looking both ways like good little grave keepers should, they hurriedly crossed the street and joined him.

"So glad you could come," said Bakura, smirking. "I have just finished Stage One of Revenge Plan Destroy Pharaoh." Yami Malik raised an eyebrow.

"By gathering an inane amount of pies?" Bakura's smirk broadened.

"Unconventional vengeance is always the best," he replied. "Here, let me explain…"

* * *

Yami Yugi stood with arms crossed, glaring at the train schedule. It wasn't that he had anything against the laminated paper; he just needed something to glare at in the absence of his newly found arch nemesis. And he didn't like that font.Bong, bong, bong… 

The duelist glanced up at the clock tower. It was very old-fashion in style; a twenty-foot diameter face ornamented with steel, hard-to-read roman numerals.

…_bong, bong, bong…_

It looked suspiciously like the one in Disney's version of Peter Pan, the pharaoh mused.

…_bong, bong, bong…_

Twelve o'clock was approaching. Midnight. The time of confrontation.

…bong, bong, bong, bong, bong… 

On the fourteenth chime, completely ignoring the 12-chime maximum of orthodox clocks, a dark figure, illuminated by the glow of the clock's face behind it, appeared on a ledge of the gothic building. It loomed over the deserted station, forcing its aura of menace upon every small particle below its lofty position. The second hand's muted ticks cracked through the silence, which seemed to bleed at the dramatics of it all.

The hand knocked the figure of the tower, making the silence feel much better.

Unperturbed, Yami Yugi jogged over to the fallen ninja. He lay sprawled across the sidewalk, limbs jutting out at odd angles. A crimson liquid oozed out from beneath him.

"Erm… Kaze-san?" the pharaoh asked, unsure of how to address this man. I mean, Kaze didn't really sound like a name, so it OBVIOUSLY needed some sort of suffix to imply to the world that it WAS a name… but then what suffix? -Sama and –chan were out of the question; -kun seemed way too informal for a man who intended to kill him, so that left him with –san. It was a bit more polite that he wanted, but the guy had just fallen about six stories, so…

"Nurrraaaggghh…" the ninja moaned. Yami Yugi kneeled over him.

"Try not to move," he chided. "I'll go find a phone…" he stood back up, "or something…"

"My…" Kaze gasped, fighting back tears of pain, "my Kool-Aid…"

The leather-clad teen/5,00-year-old-spirit-with-the-body-of-a-fifteen-year-old raised his eyebrows. "Oh, is that what all that red stuff is? Tell me, what flavor?"

"Ch…cherry…"

"Personally, my favorite is grape. Yugi doesn't like it though; he prefers lemonade."

"…nrgh…"

"No offence, though, cherry is a good flavor, too. It's especially useful to me since it gives a nasty rash to this guy I'm always fighting with named B—"

The tomb robber leaped out of the fenced off bushes in something akin to embarrassed rage. "YOU IDIOT!" he bellowed, his cheeks slightly pinker than usual. "What the hell are you doing?"

"Sharing my opinion on Kool-Aid," Yami Yugi answered coolly.

"You—" Bakura shook his head. "Never mind." He turned back to the lone foliage. "Men, attack!"

Both Malik and Yami Malik sprang from the shrubs, armed to the teeth (for they had been eating their ammo) with pies. They grinned maliciously at the pharaoh for a moment, then let all hell break loose.

Yami Yugi never knew what hit him.

* * *

"Teehee!" Perikan giggled, twirling on her toe and cuddling an oversized stuffed bunny. Kaiba smiled down at her; the date had been a success. She had been a bit irritated about the whole ninja thing, but she accepted the fact that he had a very strong sense of style and all first dates simply _must_ start with a ninja kidnapping. (Yeah, right.) Besides, the bunny made up for everything.

The couple was now wandering the streets of Domino, engaged in pleasant conversation and holding hands when Perikan wasn't hugging her bunny. It was nearing a quarter past midnight, but thankfully, because she lived with her over-worked cousin, the beauty didn't have a curfew.

They rounded a corner and came to The Street. The Street of Vengeance. The street the whole date, unbeknownst to Perikan, had been centered around.

"So, I heard your OTHER Sennen Ring has the soul of Mou Hitori no Yugi's wife," the brunette remarked casually. Perikan nodded. Chuckling to himself, he continued, "I would love to meet the woman who could put up with that drama-king."

There was a flash of that darn blinding light, and next thing the CEO knew there was a carbon-copy of Perikan shaking her finger at him. Except completely different. And with funny clothes.

"You're just jealous of koibito's dueling abilities, you toaster strudel," she scolded.

Koibito. This girl had just called his greatest rival "sweetheart." And him a breakfast food.

"Look," the livid pharaohess (which isn't a real word but I'll use it just to spite you all, nya nya nya) went on, "You should just fall off your high horse, pull your head out of our ass, and get over it! Koibito is a gajillion times better than you, sea biscuit, so just get live with it!"

Kaiba turned to his girlfriend. "Your yami is really bad at insults, Peri-chan."

"AM NOT!" the woman shrieked. He stared coolly down at her. Perikan bit her lip. "Losers," her yami, whose name I just remembered was Amentet, muttered and stomped off down the street… and toward the train station…

Pause.

"WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!"

A white figure had stumbled into view. Amentet clutched her stomach with one arm and pointed with the other. Her whole body shook with uncontrolled mirth. The figure squeaked and ran from her… and toward the teens. Kaiba smirked at it. Because that figure was a certain rival of his… a certain rival, married to a certain laughing spirit, who had been bombarded by some certain cream pies by a certain trio of some certain anti-pharaoh psychos.

As the dessert-covered duelist passed, one could see that the few patches of his face that weren't covered by cream and broken crust were as red as Rudolph's nose and glowing with the same intensity. Kaiba momentarily considered tripping the poor guy, but Perikan was with him, so he settled for broadening his smirk. They watched him bolt around the corner, then Perikan looked up at her boyfriend in confusion.

"Was that…?"

"I think so." He was trying very, very, VERY hard not to join Amentet in hysterical giggling.

Perikan's eyes widened and grew considerably shinier. A light wind picked up and blew her glossy, flowing hair from her face ever so gracefully. "Seto-kun…" she whispered.

Now, because I simply do not do romantic fluff, I shall rip of Sacred Immortal's fic and switch to mary sue fic gibberish:

He cups his hand around her smooth cheek, and she is staring into his ice blue eyes, and he said, "Yes, peri-chan?" he murmurs.

"I will love you even if you are in his shoes," she will say, and he is leaning toward her, and then he planted his lips on hers like a petunia seed, and then they will pull away. And he is saying, "So would I."

And the kiss is like a million and forty-two fireworks in Perikan's tummy, and she won't know what to do, because this was her first kiss, but then she knows. And they kiss. And Kaiba is a good kisser because he is Kaiba, and she will be a good kisser because she is Perikan, and they kissed and it is like a bunch of pretty colors on a big sheet of paper, only better, and I am having no idea what I am talking about because I have never kissed, but I have read stories written by other people who have never kissed, and it is a magic moment. And sometimes it is called tongue tennis because there is a thing called French kissing, but Kaiba and Perikan aren't French kissing because it is icky and they are not icky people. But their kiss was very romantic and nice, and then they are going to Perikan's home, and she is telling Kaiba all about her cousin, and he is seeming to be cool, and even Kaiba thought he will be cool, and you have to read the next chapter to see how cool he will really be because I do not have a computer chair, and I am using a stool, and my back is hurting.


End file.
